


Silent Night

by cumaliciouslarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, M/M, attempt of suicide, larry with children, louis loves harry, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:49:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5482259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumaliciouslarry/pseuds/cumaliciouslarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry shakes. He shakes so badly while clutching the paper in his hands. He is panicking and he knows he shouldn’t. He can’t. He has to go out and search for him. He needs to stop him before he takes the one thing Harry can never survive without. He jumps up and he runs. He runs and he runs because the bridge isn’t too far away. Because he will not let the one person who makes him feel like the world can be a better place slip through his fingers. He just hopes it isn’t too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent Night

Harry shakes. He shakes so badly while clutching the paper in his hands. He is panicking and he knows he shouldn’t. He _can’t_. He has to go out and search for him. He needs to stop him before he takes the one thing Harry can never survive without. He jumps up and he runs. He runs and he runs because the bridge isn’t too far away. Because he will not let the one person who makes him feel like the world can be a better place slip through his fingers. He just hopes it isn’t too late.

 

_Dear Harry,_

_Before I say anything, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being there when my dad left. Thank you for being there when I was being picked on in primary. Thank you for being supportive when I wanted to be in drama instead of football. Thank you for being my best friend since we were babies. Throughout the entirety of my life, I have been so dependent on you. When I was all crash and burn, you took it in stride. You made me feel like I wasn’t so fucked up. Thank you for the late night phone calls when I just needed to cry. Thank you for holding me when I couldn’t breathe. I honestly could not have survived without you. Thank you for sticking with me when I came out. So many people left me, but you stayed. Of course you stayed Haz. I was so scared of losing you. You only smiled and hugged me tight and told me how much you loved me. It’s quite ironic isn’t it?_

_It’s been about two weeks since our friendship went down the drain. All because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. All because you looked so beautiful waking up beside me. In the morning light with your curls ruffled. All I could think about was how I wanted to wake up beside you everyday of my life. You told me I only thought I loved you because I had no one else who cared about me. That sliced through me Haz. The realization that you are quite correct. No one else besides you cares about me. Or well cared anyway. However, you are so very wrong about only loving you because of that. I think I’d love you in every other life too. In every other universe. When you laugh my heart always melts. You are so beautiful. I’ve known since we were kids how important you were to me. I remember the day I realized how gone I was for you. It was so long ago, Harry._

_I’ve known how gone I was for you since we were just kids. You didn’t know that when you told me that it was only a silly crush that would go away in a month. When you told me that I was just confused because I had just came out. I was too broken to stop you from leaving. I couldn’t even say anything while you just spat idiotic notions to me. The fact that you are always so kind, yet you were so cold to me. I couldn’t believe that the one time you were anything but sweet and kind was directed towards me. I still cringe thinking about how you accused me of trying to guilt trip you into falling for me. I just want to you to know that wasn’t my intention at all. I wasn’t coming onto you. I know you aren’t gay like me. I know I really should have stayed quiet. Did you know that you left your football jersey here? In your rush to get away from me, you left it. I know you have two pairs, so you might have noticed. I’ve slept in it since that day. Well, you can say just worn it since I don’t really sleep these days._

_I can’t believe I’ve disgusted you so much that you still haven’t spoken to me. I thought after maybe a week you would see how what you thought was wrong. But maybe you’re right. Maybe I am just desperate and alone. You don’t know how hard it was seeing you in school and not being able to talk to you. You seemed just fine. I saw you even asked out that girl in your English class. You look like a lovely couple. Even if it did tear my insides apart to watch you kiss her. You looked happy sitting with her and the rest of the football team. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been keeping you from that. The times you would sit with me instead of them. I kept you from hanging out with them and forced you to endure my blandness. Did you even notice me at all? I suppose not. Of course, I endured these two weeks alone. That’s how it’ll always be for me, lonely._

_I can’t eat anymore Haz. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I don’t sleep. My grades are dropping so fast. Vomiting is the most energy I put into anything. My hands don’t ever stop shaking. I’ve lost so much weight. The girls and my mom worry about me so much that I just… don’t want to exist anymore. I can’t. I know it’s not healthy to be this dependent on you, but we both knew how fragile I was since the beginning. Maybe that was too much pressure on you._

_I am so sorry. I am so tired. My hands and heart are aching writing this letter to you. Hopefully I’ll be in peace soon. I won’t be in so much pain. I know you hate me, but I still love you. I love you so much. If you are hurt even just a little, I am sorry._

_I love you._

_Louis Tomlinson_   
  


___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

 

He is so numb; he doesn’t cry. He can’t. The past two weeks have been full of screaming and crying. He simply watches the water. He lets the breeze touch his face. He lets his hands rest on the ledge. He lets it all calm his mind. He doesn’t want to back out. He doesn’t want to go back to a lonely existence. He can not go back only for the hatred for himself to draw him back right to where he is now. This isn’t the first time he’s been at the bridge, late at night contemplating his choices. The difference was, he had a set of green eyes to go home to after deciding that he wouldn’t. He doesn’t have that now.

 

He lets the quiet soothe him. He doesn’t feel rushed. His letters would be found in the morning, by his mother most likely. She would probably be going in to check on him late into the morning. It would be Sunday. He tries not to think of her reaction.

 

After what feels like hours, he is taking in a breath and swinging a leg over the ledge. With both legs on the ledge he tips his head back, he’s facing the water saying his last goodbyes under his breathe. In one quick moment his body is enveloped with another and he is being pulled back into a solid chest. “No!” He hears before he is turned around and crushed. He doesn’t have time to think before he is sobbing into Harry’s neck. “You were going to leave me, Louis. You were going leave me.” Harry is hysterical crying into Louis’ neck and Louis just holds on. They hold on to each other and they both know they aren’t ever letting go.

_____________________________________

 

Come morning the house is silent, Harry having politely asked Jay to allow the boys to spend the day alone. Having witnessed the downfall of her son, she easily agrees, asking Harry to never leave her boy alone again.

 

Harry watches Louis while he sleeps. It’s now noon, but he knows the boy hasn’t slept properly, so he simply waits. He gnaws on his fingernails, knowing that Louis could have been gone right now and it would have been entirely Harry’s fault. He is glad he decided to come over last night to beg forgiveness. Out of all the ways he imagined it to go, the way it did was not one of them.

 

Louis begins to stir, blinking lazily at Harry. He slowly pats the spot beside him. Harry gets up and lays down.  Louis moves himself until his head is resting on Harry’s chest. Harry wraps his arm around Louis and sighs. “I’m sorry, Louis.” Louis’ grip on Harry’s shirt tightens. “I never meant those things I told you. I was just so scared. Louis when you came out, I was in awe of you. You see yourself as weak, but you are so strong. I was struggling with my sexuality for so long and you caught me off guard. I saw the way people treated you and I was so scared of the same thing happening to me. It’s selfish, but I was terrified of the outcome. I was scared of losing my spot on the footie team and I was scared of losing the friends I made there too.”

 

“But Louis, none of that matters. If they don’t respect me for who I am and who I choose to love, then screw them. I am done hiding and pretending to be someone I am not. Last night, that’s what I came over to tell you. I am so sorry that I hurt you and caused you so much pain just because I was scared and couldn’t figure myself out. I went as far as asking Alex out because I didn’t want to deal with it. But the truth of the matter is, I’m gay. I’m gay and in love with you.”

 

Louis tenses, scrambling up to a sitting position. Harry is looking down and playing with his fingers while Louis just stares. He tries to understand. He is trying, but he is just angry. “Are you saying that you ignored me and chased after another girl because you were scared. But you’re here now, gay and _in love_ with me. You do understand that I almost _killed_ myself right?” Louis snaps.

 

Harry flinches and nods slowly before looking up, his eyes glassy, “I will never be able to forgive myself for how I’ve treated you, Lou. _Never_. All I can do is hope that you can give me the chance to prove myself.”

 

Louis stands breathing harshly, before his resolve crumbles. He could never actually resist Harry Styles. He did not go through an enormous amount of pain for him to let Harry go so easily. He walks over to Harry, throwing himself at him. With light streaming in from behind the baby blue curtains, and blue eyes staring back at green, Louis thinks he might be able to be okay again.

 

_______________________________________________

 

The first time Harry sees them, Louis is soaking wet and throwing his head back laughing as he soaks an unamused Lottie. His heart stops and his blood runs cold because it can’t and won’t be true. It’s been three months since the incident and Louis has only just started to give Harry pieces he’s grateful to keep. He rubs his eyes before glancing again, but it’s too late. Louis’ swim shorts have fallen back down to his knees and he’s off chasing Daisy. Harry doesn’t stop trying to get another glance. When he does it’s because he’s thrown Louis into the pool and he made sure to push his shorts up the tiniest bit. Harry feels nauseous.

 

______________________________________________

 

The second time Harry sees them, it’s been six months since the incident, and they’re home alone. They hadn’t done anything too sexual beside make out and grind on one another, so when Louis moans a desperate plea in his mouth, Harry is too eager to give. When they’re on Louis’ bed and Harry’s naked, he swallows and pulls down Louis’ pants and briefs in one go. Louis is far too gone to realize, when he does it’s because Harry has stopped.

 

Louis realizes what has happened a moment later and only sighs in resignation. “I haven’t done it in a while, Haz. It’s been about two months? I know they’re… ugly. So if you don’t want to continue, then I guess I understand.”

 

It’s silent and there’s a ghost of a touch on Louis’ thigh. They are ugly. Too ugly to be on Louis’ perfect skin. There’s too many. Too many on both thighs, too many to not have caused pain. They are everywhere, at least to Harry. Images of a bleeding Louis, cowered in a bathroom corner flash in his mind. He surges forward and captures Louis lips on his. Louis let’s out a sharp hiss when Harry rocks their naked bottom halves together. Harry rocks into Louis slowly a while later. He whispers his love to him and they come together with cries of forever.

 

They are forever.

 

___________________________________________

 

They fall in love again. It’s not with each other this time, though that hasn’t changed at all. It’s with stunning blue eyes and golden hair. It’s with tiny fists and tiny feet. They name her Rose and she’s loved by everyone. She is the light of their life. They watch her grow and they shower her with love.

 

She loves footie like her daddy. She’s energetic like her papa. She never wants to take off her Tomlinson jersey, because she’s the star player. When her dads tell her she’s getting a brother, she might cry for a doggy. But when he comes, she loves him all the same. They all go out for ice cream when Rose scores the winning goal. And she tells them she will never love anyone as much as she loves her daddies, except for maybe Alexander.

 

Late at night when everyone is in bed, Louis and Harry will look at each other and smile. They will never love anything as much as they love each other, except for maybe their babies.

  
_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @Takeherheartaway  
> Twitter: @Sweetenedlarryy


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